Anxiety, Expectations and Overthinking

P.S. what follows in italics is an actual message I sent when I was feeling anxious.

Okay, what I meant by pressure was like, you know, we’ve been writing blog posts for the best past six weeks. This is impossible. And this is like every every post is getting nicer and and better and stronger than the other.

So every time I’m writing something I don’t want to put something on a blog that I feel like It’s just not there. And I just feel like I mean, I just feel this pressure on me. I just feel like this is too much pressure to just be this person. I think what bothers me the most is that you know, every time I’m home. I do everything by the book even if I don’t want to I do everything by the book,if they told me to turn right I’ll turn right without a question, but

My problem is no one sees. No one appreciates that. So it’s like every action that I take is some sort of insubordination. So now I don’t know. I’m just I think I’m going to… I don’t know how to deal this. I’m struggling with this feeling. I have this fear that everything that I’ll do will not be enough right, considering the circumstances and given what’s around me.

And then there’s this anxiety this feeling of helplessness, like nothing that I would ever do in my life will be enough. I just feel inadequate. I feel unworthy. I feel like I’m being taken for granted. And I’ve been making strides in terms of my mental health, but from the way it is home. I don’t know like, you take this 5k steps forward today and then there’s a landslide then it takes you like 15k steps back. I guess its all a phase anyway I am sitting in the car listening to depressing music.

And I’m thinking too much. Okay, and this is something I can only tell you guys.

This is kind of how it is between three of us who write this blog, one of us was basically  always anxious. Yes, we might overthink but really it is valid. If you are 20 something you have probably felt like this. Do not lie.

When life is coming at you from all angles and sides, you tend to get stressed out. On one side there are the parents who have literally made your their retirement plan, investment portfolio and deputy parent all in one. Then there is your little brother who treats you like you are the bar for his past, future and present success. Every mark you ever got, every team you ever play for are his goal, if you made it out with a C, he aims for a C.

Then there are the family members and friends who think you are just going to magically make a life for yourself and them all at the same time. Then there is the Social media which everyday reminds you that you are not as productive as you think.

“Oh and don’t forget you’re going to have to pay the black tax,” says Vicky who just realized her family will be looking for an allowance every month

Yeah you are probably saying “just focus on you, do not listen to them” but really what they do not know is you are your own worst enemy. The pressure you put on yourself can be just suffocating. Especially when you come from where we come from, making a decent living is hard enough. Trying to not settle and pursue purpose is a whole different beast. One of my friends once told me that “passion is a privilege.” The worst part is all this is also valid. I/ You / We are not just overthinking.

As you get older all those cousins and people who you thought were go getters and they are going to make it big, those people sort of gave up or settled and you now see no difference between them and everyone else who is struggling to get by. So not only do I feel like I might not do it, I have next to zero possible inspirations whom I can relate to.

Maybe I am romantizing life but  I really do not want to be that sixty-year-old who becomes bitter because they never enjoyed. I really do not want to get to age 60 and feel like I did not use all God put in me. I really do not want to get that old and still feel like I married out of convenience. I  really am not looking for the extreme wealth or anything.

So yeah the anxiety is valid, the overthinking is valid, the weight of expectations is real.

But the other day I was thinking. The last 12 months have been crazy. It has felt longer than the first 21 years of my life. Today though I was sitting looking at old pictures and no it’s Throwback Sunday. Point is I realized wow I’ve come a long way.

I’m not even saying I’m there or even halfway there nor am I saying it’s gonna get easier. All I am saying though is you can come this far and who says you can’t go the whole way? Please don’t stop fighting. As long as I know you , we don’t even have to be friends, I am waiting for that day I see you and one of us says “LOOK HOW FAR I DONE CAME”

So yeah, really I do not know all I can say is one day I remembered this song we used to sing at mass in high school that said “let your living water flow over my soul, let Your Holy Spirit come and take control of every situation that has troubled my mind, all my cares and burdens unto you I roll”