Braille

I like my glasses because they hide the sadness in my eyes. They hide the shimmer of tears ready to cascade. I forgot my glasses today, I feel naked. I find it odd that I haven’t written something about Zoleka. Lately, I have been thinking about her. How she was obsessed with Alfred Hitchcock’s glasses. How every time I see someone wearing round “Paul McCartney” shades, without the flare of course. I think about her, I think about how Tafara (SUHN) is playing at one of the biggest shows of his life, how she would be proud and rearing to go. I think of how she was never mean to me but to everyone else. How she accepted me for who I was. No judgement. How she would always make time. I have been thinking about you a lot MaPhuti. I randomly meet your Dad at supermarkets, church etc. my heart breaks. Shatters, pieces. Pain. You deserve more than just words. You deserved more of this life. You deserved kids and a ripe old age. MaPhuti! MaMhlabi.

If you are reading this, it means one of three things. 1. This is your first time hearing us 2. You silently sighed,” Not again”. 3. You can relate. I hope you are not 1. because this might leave you shell-shocked. Like the loss of belief. Like someone stuffing paper into your mouth but hey first times are always special don’t sweat it. But what if life is one big stretch, no new month, no new day, no do-overs and restarts…just the unrelenting march of time? If you are still reading this I hope 2 isn’t your portion because obviously, it’s beginning to make sense how all of this is vanity, how even if you give it your best shot, if you read everything about it, go for lessons, show up everyday …you might just end up in the same rut. That all of this is just “life” unless you give meaning to it. I hope you aren’t 2. Because now you must live. You cannot waste time anymore, you pretend to not care but deep down you want to be remembered for something. You have an obligation to be something. Be something.

Finally, I hope you aren’t three because well you are tired. You are teetering on a thin line. To make matters worse a dangerously thin line, with a tension that’s enough to slice you in half. How you are not sliced in half and still breathing is a testament to God’s grace. Grace. I hope you aren’t 3 because now and then someone you know dies. Accurately someone you had plans with, like life plans. Then that feeling of ” we should have done more together when we had the time”Hits. That existential dread, even pain yekuti why am I going through all this without you?

Acceptance, comical relief that lasts a few seconds, rinse and repeat, forever have become my monotony. That helplessness. I hope you aren’t 3 or 2, or even 1.

I hope that every day you wake up and see the light for the first time, you think about the goodness of the Lord. I hope that when you feel like giving up, you tell yourself that God loves you and that’s all you will ever need. I hope you find love, a love you don’t need to explain. A love so filling, a love so filling. I hope when you have a minor inconvenience you tell Jesus first before everyone else. I hope you are happy with your life choices, I hope you know yourself. Most crucially I hope you know that you are loved. I wish you joy, the type that goes beyond all understanding.

This post is really about gratitude and thanksgiving. I’m grateful. I’m grateful for life, for good health. I’m grateful for community, and how they hold me up when I’m cut. How I always have someone a call away. Someone whose love knows no bounds can be felt from anywhere in the world, even Gokwe. Someone who says “Otherwise zvese bho?” then proceeds to give me 20c. Someone who asks me to lead prayer, but I didn’t see the message until Sunday at 10 am ( I’m sorry)—someone who always gives me a spoken word slot at his big events. N.B. I ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO DODGE, but not anymore Imma do better. Someone who thinks I don’t love them right but always makes time for me. Someone who always puts up with me. Someone who is always annoyed when you call them but prefers calls, who also happens to just be wholesome. I’m grateful for community. I’m grateful for the change in seasons, even for mosquitoes. They bite everyone, including people who didn’t treat us kindly. If that isn’t balance I don’t know what is.

Do everything else but be grateful. You are the infinity in a fraction, stay dandy.

Shoutout to my resident tech Warlock Stha!