Dear Me, stop trying

I just feel like I put so much effort into making other people’s lives better whilst mine is a mess and am tired of feeling this way, am tired of believing the lies that I tell myself because am afraid of the truth. This post is going to be about a certain truth about me, it is not just vibes or likes. It is just me trying to be better and do things differently

I feel underappreciated sometimes, okay fine most times., I feel like people dont take me or my words seriously. Lately I have been feeling inadequate like I am not enough, like maybe I may never amount to anything and this is doing things I do not like to my confidence and self esteem. I find myself not being able to share my thoughts, opinions, ideas because I am afraid they are just going to be overlooked and ignored. I cannot pretend like it is not getting to me. I cannot pretend that I do not feel invisible.  Believe me I have tried shoving it down my boxes but clearly that did not work. So here I am doing whatever this is called.  I feel it everywhere around me so most times I just shut myself in my own world to escape. I live in my head, but you can only run for so long. You can only create your own matrix for so long until the red pill takes you back to dire reality.

After much thought I realize that its not something that started recently. Like all toxic habits it has been going on for years. I have always felt that way, taken for granted. From high school I was a people pleaser because I wanted to be seen recognized and appreciated. Jack of all trades, I was everywhere and nowhere at the same time so I scattered more. I did things to be seen like dating. I wanted people to see that I am there, to count me on the list of “vanhu vari munhava” as we would say it.

Taking up space

Alive

I have always felt invisible so I do things to be noticed and also maybe thats why I do all these crazy things like binge drinking (not that drinking is wrong), dating. So that according to society’s standards am within “woke.” That is ruining me, I can’t serve the Lord and people too!

One has to take precedence; one has to be top priority.

I don’t know myself anymore. Lately I am not aware of who I’m showing and for what reasons, that not only worries me but it’s scary. Its scary to realize that I’m not even in control of the person I am. That’s also maybe why these relationships do not work because I am showing people the person they want to see, the person that they think they need and keeping that up is taxing so I end up not feeling anything after a week or so. Why? Because my whole being is just a compilation of what I think will get me the sort of being known I am looking for.  I also realize that its why I post personal things on my social media to feel relevant. To feel wanted, to feel like I am part of something big, to feel like I am enough to exist.

Watching all the latest shows. Listening to the newest, latest, hottest music so that when people talk about that stuff I can pitch in, or people be like he has good tastes in music. Doing things that I don’t even enjoy just so that I can fit in or belong.

Friends the lie that I have been embracing is that I need people to accept me so that I can feel adequate and worthy to use the earth’s resources. That I need people’s praises and acknowledgement to fill this void. You can only tell a lie for so long until you start questioning your own sanity. Well, the truth is nothing I will ever do is enough to please everyone, nothing I will ever say will make sure that I get the response and reaction I want from someone. People aren’t figments of my imagination that they would act like I want them to or that they be responsible for my own happiness and contention.

I, I am captain of my ship and master of my soul, not my parents, not my friends

Just me and you too of course

I have realized that I have been trying to fill the void or the lack thereof with the wrong things and am confident am not the only one. I have looked outside because it is easier and not within because its challenging. Now I look to the Lord to give me the strength to face parts of me that I hide from myself, parts of me that I don’t even know exists. Parts of me that I hate and suppress. Frankly speaking Jesus is the only one that can fill that void and heal my heart till I don’t need anyone’s approval. Till all that is left is love and acceptance. Until I am new and transformed.

I know its darkest before dawn, I know it will not be an easy journey but am confident I/we can do this because his word says

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

He’s got us

And that’s enough for me

So, I soldier on assured that one day everything will be alright

ZVICHANAKA