Imma indulge myself a little bit

Last year on the 9th Tino came to see me, arms full of all the things we’d eat in our little box. It was the first time I felt like we really saw each other in a really long time. It was also one of the last times I saw him, I only saw him once more after that. I remember thinking a lot of things that I never said. I remember looking at him and seeing a familiar stranger. And I remember him saying one more semester and I’ll be rid of nust. He’d be graduating tomorrow I’m sure, with a good degree class. He’d have some speech about life’s journey and trusting God and gratitude and self faith. And how today’s rain is symbolic of a washing away of the old life of a student, not to be confused with being forgotten because lessons and experiences mustn’t be forgotten just transformed. And eventually when I got past my own ego and pride I’d say something just as profound to him and close it off with a question and he’d respond with the most beautiful arrangement of words I’d ever heard, so poetic and perfect but not give me a straight answer instead he’d throw it back to me. And when I refuse to answer we would say our goodbyes and go home knowing in those poetic words, in those long and endless pictures we’d painted we’d asked questions whose answers we already knew, we just needed the reassurance of hearing the other say it. 

But he’s not here, so no speeches, no beautiful poetry, no food, no ambiguity. Just absence and hurt and triggers. He’s not here, and the more I think about it, neither am I.

Today you would have graduated, Im almost certain you wouldn’t have bought a suit and for any particular reason needed to look stellar. You would say its a waste of time, vanity really, but you would celebrate. Celebrate in words, music, dance. You would be jubilant , in hope for the future and in a deep , sort of reflective voice you would say            “zvakuda kuita”. It would be reassuring, and nice to hear. You would tell everyone else of how proud of them you are. The great job they have done, they would feel good about themselves. Beaming with pride and joy even . I don’t think you woulda celebrated your own achievement, because you cared more about everyone else but you. Your kindness went beyond yourself which often made me angry because then I needed to be kind too, especially to those people I felt didn’t deserve it. 

And you would deffos wear that navy blue jacket you loved so much, with those charcoal grey pants. The peaky blinder cap and a t-shirt….Or maybe the tux and a nice balding cut( the hair line was gone 😂😂). My money is still on the navy blazer though… 

We all a-test to what you have done, what you had achieved, I’m forever grateful to have known you. 

To my friends that graduated today  well done, you have been great, you will be great, Well Done. 

Be merry, be proud and enjoy responcibly…