Of Bong water and happy endings

I think I have had enough; I might get a little drunk.Take all my sorrow, dissolve it into ether, Have you ever tried to milk 9 minutes and make the most of it? Like, where do you even begin? Do you talk about the amazing couple who seem to have it together, but Holywood has taught us a lot about people who are together? shoutout : best man holiday . Its so lovely, I tell you. What about making me hold his shisha pipe whilst he gets all her attention? Life goes on. First, I want to say that I’m grateful. To everyone that has been there with me and for me. I just want to express my sincerest gratitude. Oh boy, its been a long year. I remember watching Napoleon and thinking Joachim Phoniex had Joker folie kah poop deep in his bag. Well, it turns out things don’t always go as we planned; we never feel like we imagine. Those victories don’t feel any good anymore; peharps, we are chasing the wrong things. Things almost never go as planned. There are so many places that I thought I would be and a gazillion things I needed to do, including reading books, going to the gym, praying every day, etc. I did what I could, so I’m not disappointed, though I know that I could have done better. I know I could have achieved more; I know I could have loved more and shown up more, but life is life. Look at me burning the bridge that I thought we would never need. We ~~are~~ were larger than life; nothing is larger than life. I know that now. Ours was just a comet.

I learnt a new word yesterday, “apricity.”. It made me so excited to learn even more words and the value they add to our lives. In fact, today I learnt another word, “sonder.” Then I will also let you in on the bane of my existence, “anhedonia.” For the next few days, I want to watch how I speak; I want to see if I’m intentionally adding value to the people that I spend most of my time with. I want to see if I’m my brother’s keeper or just sometimes. Most importantly, I want to love myself—to love myself just as much as I love everything else. It seems to me I value you a tad bit more than I value me. We need to balance the scales. we need to take back control. Do you remember what happened on the 15th of December?

Exactly my point…

I remember my first work day and everything else in between. Whatever we went through, it eventually got better. I lost some wonderful people along the way, but the pain, dread, and apathy were never mine alone to bear. I’m grateful for community, for family. I’m grateful for my friends. I’m grateful that I don’t even remember some of the terrible things that happened this year. Grace, mercy, grace again. I’m grateful for the numerous near misses that never became fatalities. I’m grateful for the friend I have in Jesus.

Next time I will introduce myself to someone (I like), I’m going to say all the right things. It will go something like, Hey, I’m Tonde with a “t.” My major selling point is my brown eyes, but you have to agree to not look into them. I wouldn’t want you falling for me… I will continue to tell them about how I’m loved at home. How my parents are the greatest love story ever told. They make it work. So I have a good example of what to look for in a lifetime subscription. I love my siblings more than I love myself; its hard to express sometimes, but I hope they know that we would move mountains for them. I will tell them that I struggle with smiling on most days but I do anyway. I find it hard to accept love because I somehow believe that it has to be earned. So every time I meet someone new, I’m anxious because I’m thinking what if I’m not enough. So best believe I will try to make you like me 🙂 . I’m suspicious of people who are nice to me because when I was growing up, someone… bottom line is I have trust issues. I love with everything that I have and that has always resulted in pain , I believe in love so I remain hopeful. But in the midst of it all, I’m learning God and faith, and I’m understanding that I’m his handiwork. His work in progress. A city set on a hill can only give light. So let your light shine… I will go on to talk about how I’m so passionate about some things, then I start to get choked by my performance anxiety and impostor syndrome. I’m a go big or go home type of guy, so best believe I’m HIM.