We die a little everyday, there is a part of us that dies and is buried in the hurt, in the blind rampant rage of wanting to be ok. In the time of the Salem witch trials, there was one very odd very unscrupulous thing that happened. One man refused to speak, and because they could not try a man without his permission they pressed him. They placed a board on him then mounted piles and piles of rocks on top of him. It took days for him to die and the Puritans left him there in the open day and night for the whole 72 hours. I imagine the pressure must have broken a good fraction of his bones. Yet he remained silent and the only time he spoke was to tell them to add more pressure. Eventually he died there under the pressure of all those rocks. Because he simply refused to say ‘I wish to be Tried by God and country.’
I died as well, I died for two hundred and eighty eight hours and twenty five minutes. Two hundred and eighty eight hours and twenty five minutes, that’s how long my loop lasted. I know because in those twelve days and twenty five minutes I had trapped lightning in a cage and instead of skipping out I stayed in the cage. What was once so beautiful and illuminating in the sky was terrifying in ways words can’t describe. That’s how long I was pressed under the pressure. Crushing the life out of me slowly. Simply because first I didn’t fit social norms and secondly because I refused to be put on trial for being unwell, I refused to let the world know.
I call it a loop because had you seen me in those two hundred and eighty eight hours and twenty five minutes you would have had the picturesque image of misery. For the first four days I did not eat. I slept all the time. For the next five I ate very little, unable to keep food down. My mind stacked on one problem after another. Some weren’t even problems they were things about me that others saw as flaws.
On the first day I wanted to die. Not the “oh my this is so embarrassing. I could just die,” type. The actual “I want to be buried six feet under with my coffin nailed shut for good measure” die. For the fear of triggering others I won’t describe what happened next. But what I will describe is I remember waking up and feeling so sick. Then I remember thinking God I really don’t want to die, well at least not like this. Maybe if you could take the pain part away and just bring the death part. I was negotiating the terms of my exit with God. I was about fourteen and a half the first time I negotiated. I’m twenty three going on twenty four now, and I can tell you I have negotiated that exit so many times, with such negotiation skills, I could be a defense attorney, If you ever need a lawyer call me, I have ten years of experience. Nearly ten years of bouncing between God I want to die and God I know this was stupid please don’t let me die.
At this point you probably think I have deep running problems. That’s fine but hear me out. The thing about it though is nobody really wants to die. Not really. We want to kill off our suffering. Once the mind becomes a slave to suffering, the mind is too loyal a servant so you stay suffering. I would know I spent quite a few years playing duck duck goose with the idea of suicide. What helps though, what I’ve found through experience is you have to decide regardless of how you feel you matter too much to die. Then find people you can confide it, those people must be trustworthy. Therapy helps. Medication helps. First and foremost you just need to pray that you learn to accept you have an illness that needs to be managed. Because if you never believe yourself to be ill you will never feel the need to seek treatment.
Suicide might seem a bit severe but just remember what I said. We die a little everyday. In the beginning I refused to let anyone know, including myself. I denied being ill and only realized when I was too far down the line. Yes you might not be like me, you might be immune to what people think about you and you might never be suicidal but that doesn’t mean you mental struggles aren’t significant.
Any problems you are having deserve to be treated and talked about. No matter how small, do not let it grow into a bigger problem.No matter how small, do not let it grow into a bigger problem.No matter how small, do not let it grow into a bigger problem.How difficult your home situation is matters. The overwhelming anxiety you feel everyday matters. The trauma from your past that everyone tells you to get over but still hurts silently matters. How you feel matters.
I have seen people tell depressed people “someone has it worse” or “just don’t think about it.” and I always say try telling someone who had a stroke that “well At least you don’t have leukemia.” simply because you can’t see it does not mean it’s non existent. Mental illness is like cancer, by the time you start to see physical manifestations that cause you to worry it’s already destroyed someone almost completely. To friends and families I say be kind but don’t coddle, be positive but not toxic positivity. More importantly learn your person, there is a time and place for every reaction, know your people well enough to know how to react in what situation. We all have different triggers and different reactions to a certain situation, that is what makes us unique. Respect someone’s struggle.
To those suffering I say “Remember a caterpillar morphs into a butterfly in a cocoon. If anyone breaks that cocoon they cripple the butterfly.” what am I saying? Your suffering will not break you, we will not let it. We’ll guard you jealously because if nobody else in this whole world will, I will be here and believe in you. All you need to do is reach out. Don’t suffer in silence. I’ll walk with you.
In these wild times if you are still hanging on. You are a real life Superhero. May God fill you up with the wisdom, strength and endurance to not just survive but thrive.
Feel free to leave a comment below if you want to encourage someone with your story.
Feel free to reach out to any of us. We’ll walk with you
If you feel comfortable enough or you just want professional help reach the Samaritans:
If you are outside of Zimbabwe, look up some numbers for your country on these pages: International Suicide Hotlines Together We Are Strong
Or if you want to learn how to help a friend who has mental health issues at present check out these webpages: https://www.heretohelp.xbc.ca/infosheet/supporting-a-friend-or-family-member-with-a-mental-illness.
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/supporting-someone-mental-health-problem
I think we need to normalise educating ourselves on mental health and how to care for someone that is suffering with any mental illness. It’s only recently that I’ve come to the realisation that everyone’s problems are different and I have no right to discredit their feelings just because it’s not a big deal to me. You never know what people are going through regardless of the situation.
The sooner we understand that our thoughts will never change the way someone feels because its how they feel
The better the world will be
So accurate. We tend to trivialize people’s pain but as the saying goes “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
It’s also important to learn to label our emotions correctly. There’s a big difference between general sadness and depression. Most people abuse these terms and it becomes very difficult for people who need help to get it.
I’ve learnt that many a time suicidal people throw on a happiness facade, especially towards the time of their planned suicide so its really important to know our people and watch them carefully so that we can help before they fall
We have to have our eyes open always
Does talking to people really work or we just get distracted by other things like work, school, others’ problems, judgement or comments from those we tell…
It works. It definitely works. As long as you’re talking to people who genuinely care about you.