The lost

When I was about seven or eight I got baptised into the Anglican church. I used to go there with my sister every Sunday. I remember a candle and my sister holding my hand saying it’s OK come. Then somewhere between then and about fourteen church didn’t seem as important. I could go or not. When I was fifteen however I got baptised into the Adventist church. The baptism was just like the Anglican one. I don’t mean the baptism itself because I was dipped in a pool this time I mean my mind. Same as that seven year old. It was a routine. Nothing more. I wish someone had yanked me out of that que and asked me if I understood what I was doing. I mean how many times can one person be born again. God’s defiantly gotta get tired of clearing my slate. I really didn’t understand anything about God or baptism. I’ve been learning though. These last two years I’ve made a conscious effort to learn. Somethings still don’t make sense to me. So I decided to write a letter to God. I swear I felt so stupid when I thought of it but then again, we pray differently.

Dear Mr God…

We’ve come a long way from me thinking you’re Santa or a genie for that matter. I went from loving you to being indifferent to mad curious. I’m just trying to understand how we’re all here and life is playing the crap out of us and you’re up there like let’s see. I mean like lately I been studying Buddhism and I know you’re a jealous one but you know my theory about everything is if it’s true and real then no matter where you go you circle back to it. In my studying I keep circling back to You. Every design, every crack, every tear, all of it comes back to you. Someone told me you breathed a piece of yourself into us and by virtue of that we are arguably one of the most powerful beings you’ve ever created. Only less in power than yourself because without your say so angels and demons have no authority over us. They can do no harm. Because we are pieces of you. Someone told me this was the purest show of your love.

Which is why the devil fights so hard. Because every soul lost is a piece of you lost. I’m not sure if I believe them. It’s just there’s so much. You gifted me something then you took it back now I can’t see anything , I’m constantly being blindsided by life. I hate that. I wanna go back to seeing things. Or maybe I don’t. Do you think people like me deserve peace? I’ve never seen anyone you’ve blessed with artistic talent who is at peace so I’m starting to think maybe it’s a trade off. Normalcy for talent. I sound crazy don’t I? I can write because I feel more, I can express more, but I also hurt more. I guess you must think I’m strong cause like you said you’re not gonna give me a load too heavy for me. So thanks I guess.

You’re confusing.

Yet you’re the perfect example of love. Perfect love. Perfect and infinite forgiveness. You are love and love is forgiveness so you are forgiveness. But love isn’t unreasonable so you are also reason and justice correct? You are vengeance as well are you not? So how can you be all these things yet not confined to any one of them? I’m learning this forgiveness thing it’s a lot harder than you make it sound cause some people really do be playing hopscotch on my nerves. But somehow I always come back to if you reacted to my wrongs the way I reacted to those of other people I’d probably be food for maggots by now. One thing though, you’ve given me infinite peace in terms of life. It hurts yeah? But only because I’m human. But I’ve come to terms with a truckload of things lately.

I’d given up doing this because I was told it’s unhealthy. To do this, to write like you’re here. Like you’ll read this. Because I won’t let go. I have though. I mean I love you an enormous amount, I just don’t or can’t or won’t or I’m too scared, idk point is past is past. That’s not what I am on about. I’m on about the fact that you, you, have yet again let me down. And that’s not even the bad part. The crappy part is there’s a part of me that was like he won’t, and my mind said let’s bet on it. Idk how to react. There’s so much I don’t tell you anymore. Trust issues I guess, damn here we go again.