For most of my life as a man I never realized just how difficult it is to be a woman. I always had strong girls surrounding me. They strived for the same kinds of opportunities as me. So I thought we were treated equally. The older I get the more I realize that just is not true. Just a few days ago I had a conversation with my friend and for the first time I realized her world is different from mine.
In search of understanding we asked women this question : “What is the struggle of being a woman to you?”
These are some of the answers we got:
“The most difficult part about being a black girl for me is trying to prove my worth to everyone”
“For me I’d say the weight of ‘you will get married one day’ really its a lot and quite demeaning But then think of the other girls out there not empowered enough. This mantra has been drilled into them such that she will feel dejected if she’s told you are not good enough for marriage”
” for me it would be being direspected and people assuming I am not smart/uneducated especially in the workplace. I have been passed for promotions because “It would be difficult for me to manage male colleagues” “because I am about to start a family”, “I am too meek” etc”
“For myself, I have really experienced the ‘privilege’ of the boy child. My parents readiky consult my brothers when it comes to stuff. I’m the only engineer in the family but my dad would rather mock me and still ask my brother whose educational qualifications are questionable at best🤦🏾♀. Dude was surprised I can change a simple bulb but really how hard can that be 😂 or having proficient use of a screwdriver or spanner😂 but how hard can that be.”
“I think it’s honestly just not ever really knowing people’s intent. With guys obviously, You don’t know if they really want to be your friends, if they expect you to sleep with them, if they want to fetishize you, if they pity you or see you as a charity case because you’re African, if they can only see your body. It’s just sad because you’re constantly on high alert”
“How people find it okay to objectify you and expect you to take it as a compliment i personally do not like that.”
“Girls are expected to accept certain things, culture and society has boxed us into a belief that we should tolerate anything and everything a man does, because I’m the woman I’m supposed to take it and we are so used to feeling mistreated and filling in the gaps in a man’s life.”
“there is some sort of entitlement that men have towards you. Men will feel like you have to listen to them and do what they want simply because they are men and you’re a girl. This is why there’s a lot of rape and abuse and femicide because men feel entitled. Being a girl has some sort of powerlessness attached to it, I’m not saying this can’t be changed but there’s a lot of opportunities that I can’t get simply because I’m a girl.”
“It always becomes a challenge for me when the guy I’m dating realizes I have more mental prowess than him, it always really affects them.”
“other women also accept this which makes it so much harder being a girl because you’re not fighting a system that says you can’t but you’re also fighting other women who think you can’t.”
“ I’m sure there’s no need for me to tell you how unsafe it is to be a girl. Someone is always preying on you”
“Struggle of being a girl it’s having a suppressed voice. I have to go out of my way to say things that i believe in because the platform is not naturally given. Always trying to have a voice or to defend myself it’s straining”
Outro:
“Yet again, when trouble looms, there is no more gentleness, no more peace. Just rage and anger, just distress and pain. But I can’t voice it out, or can I? I don’t know. If I can, who will listen, who will hear, who will understand? Black girl, meaning? Silence and smiling at whatever comes my way. Being told to be strong and keep my wits about me. Yet the drum beats loud, more frantic, more fearful, I fear it will tear.
What will happen when I break?”
There you have it men, that’s how your girl or your female friend feels about living her everyday life. Whether it be at work, home, in a bar or in the street. To quote the self proclaimed African Giant “They wanna tell you ooo another story” but you are deceiving yourself if you think the world is as easy for women as we frame it. If this isn’t enough of a wake up call to you, just remember that if you don’t stand against this physically and psychologically suppressive culture, it will be your daughters and nieces who you have to lock up in the house all day because you fear what the world out there will do to them.
The sad truth is we probably are not doing enough. If you’ve been posting about GBV that’s a great first step but do better. As long as we laugh with our friends about women just being a good night then we are not doing enough. As long as we cat call women we are not doing enough. As long as we still play God and want to define the role of a woman in society we are not doing enough.
If we do not stop the small things that give rise to the rape, femicide and objectification we aren’t doing enough. If you still do any of the small oppressive things you are still part of the problem.
If you are a guy and you know you do these things but don’t even know why or where it comes from, you respect women but can not stop certain tiny oppressive behaviors. We have got something for you. Same time, same place tomorrow.
To all the brilliant women who were free enough to share their story and enlighten us I can’t thank you enough. You are the flame that we need to keep the fire burning. Never stop standing for what you believe in, scream it like a battle cry. Know your worth and never forget it.
I think women should try support their own habits not compete with men, women nowadays spend most of their time trying to prove that we can do what men do. i don’t think that’s really the point. In our African society very few men do things like hairdressing, manicure etc. These are things women mostly do. They should do those things to the point that men get attracted to those things. You don’t have to be a mechanic and be good at holding a spanner to show that you are better than a man. You should maximize the things you are a good at to the point that we have more numbers of male wanting to do things females do. I’m not saying women shouldn’t do the jobs men do but they shouldn’t waste their time trying to prove that we are better than men doing what men do, we are all equal
Equity over equality. I understand you and I agree. All we’re saying is there are girls out there who can’t do certain things because society said so. Being a mechanic is one thing. A woman not being able to get a promotion because she’s a woman is another. We’re just advocating for a space where people can pursue things without prejudice.
I do understand your perspective but we can’t generalize. None all women want to be like men…some do, others just want to pursue what they enjoy
I understand where you are coming from
My view is that since we have never been in the other genders shoes
This will always be something we trivialize, something we will never fully understand
Why not wear the shoes and see the fit then improve our behaviors to makes sure that its a comfortable world for everyone
Exact, maximising on the things you are good at is key..
I get where you are coming from, but I feel you somehow defeated the purpose of what you were trying to put across. To me the example you used is as good as saying a woman’s place is in the kitchen and they should just stay there and excel there. We don’t try to dominate men. Who said only men can be mechanics. I’m a woman and I have no interest nor talent whatsoever in the beauty industry. Being a woman doesn’t translate to automatically being inclined/ liking or being good at certain things. We as women are not trying to compete with men. We are just trying to break the status quo and go for whatever it is we believe in or are passionate about. We are trying to take advantage of the fact that things are changing, we are now being accepted in industries where it was unheard of before. No person in their right mind male or female chooses an industry/ line of work just to compete or prove a point to the other gender. You go after your passion. And in whatever you do excel in that, be the best you can be, let them talk about you regardless of your gender. The gender differences do come in because it’s just reality. For example a woman decides to be an engineer because something drives her to that, just as a man decides to be one. But in that journey one comes across gender differences/ preferences and decides she’ll face them and fight those stereotypes to prove a point but that doesn’t mean that was the motivation to choose a career. A career is for a lifetime and you can’t choose a career just to fight and prove a point to the ‘other gender’. And just a closing nugget for you Thabani there are men who excel in the beauty industry with specific reference to nails and hair and designers. If I can afford them I’ll definitely be interested in their services not because of their gender but talent.
True. You also need to stand and take your place, whether it’s given to you or not
Interesting topic ….I think men should really change their mindset as they look at women because some of them already have this negative attitude as they look at women and I feel like this is being carried Fri. One generation to another ….
True true I think we make the mistake of generalizing. Just because I met one bad woman doesn’t mean they are all bad
I enjoyed this piece. It’s nice seeing mxn trying to understand what it’s like being a womxn. It’s just a shame that I wish mxn didn’t exist so womxn could live. I’d feel safer if men didn’t exist imagine that. The good ones and the bad ones, my father, uncles, male cousins, brothers… Everyone. That’s the gravity of the oppression the male species has over us. If that doesn’t scare you. You’re part of the problem.
We aren’t all bad madam. I feel your pain. I’ve never experienced it but I’ve been there for some of the tears. Be patient with us please. One day maybe the world will change
Am sorry that it has to be like that
The only step we can take is all of us being intentional
Taking a step to be what expect from society
What women are just as good as men in that job which is referred to as men’s?sometimes women are not trying to prove that they’re better than men but naturally they could be better than them…..
I don’t know if I I agree that anyone should do anything but I definitely believe in a society where people feel free to do whatever speaks to their soul
I think its a matter of our society giving someone a role because they are very good at it , despite the gender
Lets advocate for equity
this was really great to read..
more like reading stuff that you always want to hear but dont really hear..
sad but true..
though i for one haven’t really experienced any huge struggles, i know its real because i have seen it..
Thank you
Powerful aspect.well in as much as we want to be loved and admired for all the right reasons and not only for our physical, attractive appearance,are we engrossing our attention to self development more than merely looking pretty.In as much as we abhor men preying and taking advantage of us,is our way of conduct and dress potraying how much we detest it.
Great stuff
Thank you Tanastwa
Do women ever consider that they are also looking for validation by this… do you really need men to tell you you are good at something or not or even tell you who you should be…
How hard is it to walk away from your oppressors, whether be it abusive father, husband, guardian or boss… be who you want to be without seeking validation from anyone…
Also, Women have several problems they fail to address before attacking men. Women are not united enough to empower each other… I know of several girls who do not wish well for their girlfriends and all but will pretend…
Women are fooled by words and emotions. Imagine how many situations a man can escape by talking his way out, how then can he see the woman as an equal. Has anyone ever asked why statements like “women are smarter than men” came out the times when women empowerment protests were at a peak… it was to shut them up without acting on it… the women protesting stopped because of such words but the action towards them I doubt changed…
As much as most people will disagree and all but the reality is the weaker species has always been seen by being conquered from a long time ago… whether we referring to women or black people or anyone else that has been in a position of inferiority, just be your own self and stop association with those that hold you back…
That part about not being united is true. There is blame on both sides, i don’t think anyone is denying that
THEYwill deny… men are better off, we are united by hormones, soccer, beer, hustle… all this is for our amusement… what do women unite in? And does it make them happy?
“Just be your own self and stop associating with those that hold you back”
I felt that
Personally, I’m tired of the victimhood mantra. Women make up half of the population. One of every other parent is a woman? Why can’t every single person take responsibility for their life? Life is tough, not for women only. Our struggles are different but we all have struggles. Dangerous jobs are done almost exclusively by men. most accidental deaths on the job… men. most people in prison… men. most people on the street… men. most suicides… men. most victims of violent crime men. In short, grow up and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Each for oneself and the devil take the hindmost. we are all in this fuck up together
Equity over equality & why are they competing to be like men when they can be greater in their own right? I grew up with women ,I don’t understand this idea that black women especially from Zimbabwe mostly Millennials complain about unfairness of life when they literally grew in the age of these EQUALITY nonsense. Us men on the contrary are the one who are on the receiving end,more is expected of us. Women have it on a silver platter,hell the most successful people in my circles are woman,in my class were women. What is really hard about being a Millennial women in this affirmative era?
Equity over equality & why are they competing to be like men when they can be greater in their own right? I grew up with women ,I don’t understand this idea that black women especially from Zimbabwe mostly Millennials complain about unfairness of life when they literally grew in the age of these EQUALITY nonsense. Us men on the contrary are the one who are on the receiving end,more is expected of us. Women have it on a silver platter,hell the most successful people in my circles are woman,in my class were women. What is really hard about being a Millennial women in this affirmative era?
Men definitely have ended up being ignored…we went from one extreme to another
Which is true,men have been completely neglected in the process
The middle ground is what we need to get back to
And quickly before we revet to the days where one gender didn’t matter at all
I see you’re very passionate about this my guy. Go check out Living as a Man and tell us what you think
Check where?
https://yybeingyou.wordpress.com/2020/06/26/living-as-a-man/
That’s the link
Thank you very much I read through
Our counterparts in an effort to uplift themselves have used the boy child as a stepping stone and left him in the ground
The scale isn’t balanced as it should be
Such a shame
Bro I thought of the same.in this day and age women have nothing to complain about.
The boy child has since been othered
This is a great read. I’d say as a woman society plays a huge part in dictating what a woman should be or what is expected of her. Yes you can choose to not listen to what society says but at times it affects your progress. It’s more like there’s a booklet of what is expected of a woman and less than half a page of what is expected of a man. Personally as woman, I wouldn’t want anything to come my way simply because I’m a woman, I want to earn it, to deserve it. Likewise, I wouldn’t want something to be denied of me simply because I’m a woman. We have a long way to go but it starts with you as an individual. Ensure you have the right mindset and instill that mindset in your younger siblings and your children because they are the future. Be heard wherever you can and whatever you do, do your best, do it unto the Lord and not anyone else! One step at a time, we’ll surely get there.