Playing Yourself

We are only ever as good or as strong as we believe we are. What happens when it’s anger that we feel instead? Dare I say hate even. I always find it funny when people say I hate these shoes or I just hate this movie. Reason being it’s not possible to hate what you never loved. The underlying feeling for hatred has to be love coupled with continued disappointment and or trauma. Which is why it’s impossible to hate what you never/ who you never regarded with affection but then again that’s a story for another time. Today I want to talk about anger. As I was explaining before I so rudely interrupted myself, we are what we believe ourselves to be. If that’s true how then is it even possible that after saying I’m ok, I could be stuck on the edges of an internal hurricane? Simple really, your truest self is your subconscious mind. I know, I know it’s totally debatable but it’s a good thing this is taken from my experience and not everyone else’s.

If your truest self is your subconscious it totally explains why we are Christians but God’s a last resort instead of a first stop. In our subconscious, our truest self is immersed in doubt and anxiety. Same is true for anger, anxiety and hate. I had convinced myself that I am fine. My conscious mind began to believe it and I’d like to believe my faith was getting stronger it wasn’t just perception.

Then quarantine happened. I used to have this book Living Buddha, Living Christ. It was my most prized possession. The single most important thing I ever owned. After that I read The Miracle of Mindfulness. Both are incredibly powerful. They dwelt on many things but at the core of both was presence and meditation. Mindful meditation. This had become something I’d thought I’d mastered, mindful meditation. It became easy to be completely present, aware of everything. This went on until quarantine. At first things were ok, great even. Flowy.

However I got sucker punched with a plot twist. Realization awareness and experiencing my emotions was different. I had not gotten better at anything really, I’d just taught myself how to identify, acknowledge and shelve a lot of my feelings. I thought I was doing well because I had a schedule. Guided meditation, yoga, writing. It became easy to be ok.

It’s like walking into a supermarket with a bank card. Imagine being a Zimbabwean with a MasterCard that’s full of forex. You walk in, you start happily picking stuff off if the shelves. Yogurt, muesli, garlic bread, cheese, whatever you fancy really. But when you get to the till the till operator is looking at you slightly crazy. Then you realize you never checked the balance so there’s a chance you can only afford ten dollars worth of basics. Now you’re at the till looking stupid. That’s what happened to me. Quarantine was the till operator. See I thought I was ok. And to some extent I was. Until of course I wasn’t.

I began to short circuit as I realized I still had a lot I didn’t deal with. In the midst of a healthy happy relationship my insecurities that I had dealt with began to manifest. And I am not talking about the simple and silly stuff like who are you talking to or is my hair good. I mean the deep rooted stuff like what if I am saying I do to the wrong person. Things like what if I have a child who is just like me? (Mental illness is hereditary for those who don’t know) but most critically what if I turn into the one couple I dread becoming? As if that wasn’t enough the blows came in. One jab after another. One loss after another.

You ever lose someone so dear to you it feels like someone just ripped your spine out? You become, for lack of a better phrase, completely paralyzed. I have to tell you only thing worse than a whole bunch of untamed emotions is numbness. It spreads fast like a virus. You go from feeling to being hollow, empty and void. That point right there, at that point right there you’re more vulnerable than you ever will be in life.

That’s when evil creeps in, because it’s better to feel full of rage than it is to feel empty. Then that is watered and it grows into resentment and as the tree flowers it eventually produces fruit. Hate. Hatred of self and of others. Couple that with a sick mind and constant spiritual struggles you have the recipe for the most explosive landmine. And that’s where I am, praying night and day for God to diffuse it. It would be a shame if I were to explode. The casualties…

Let’s focus for a moment on anger. People think when they’re upset they’re angry. In actual fact angry and upset mean two different things. Anger sometimes can make you lose logic. Being upset leaves some room for rational thinking. Anger is like fertility hormones for hate, the angrier you get. Truly angrier, the closer you inch toward hatred. I hate somebody, hatred is like a cancer. Once it’s in the body it kills joy, peace, understanding in order to make room for its own malignant growth. Just like cancer. Then you begin to lose your sight. All objectivity is lost. You lose your hearing next. It’s one thing after the next. Misery loves company so anger never shows up alone. It’s like that girl you take on a date then she brings her friends. Like “excuse me ma’am I can barely afford you, who is paying for them?”

And that’s the trap. You fall into debt. I know what that feels like. I’ve spent weeks trying and failing to manage simple conversations. Just to check on friends. Everything became so heavy. Everything is so heavy. Emotional and mental exhaustion is worse than physical fatigue. Read a quote somewhere that says sleep don’t help when it’s the soul that’s tired. But when the soul is tired hours morph into days before sleep ever visits you. Normally with most posts at this point I know there’s a positive affirmation. But this is different. Just to show were all human, all going through something. And sometimes we cut the long story short by over simplifying the process. This is different. Go through it with me.

I’ve learnt mindful meditation means feeling and experiencing your emotions. Even when it’s pain. Now when I meditate I rip off the Band-Aid and find what caused the scars. Treating the wound is easy, it’s avoiding the path that caused it that always kills us. I feel I’m not there yet, I’m still so full of rage. I’ve stopped using the word ok to describe how I feel because it doesn’t mean anything really. I think I’ll stop here, the till operator just printed my receipt. Turns out I had a coupon. I did not get everything in the trolley but at least now I know to check my balance before filling the trolley.

And that ladies and gentlemen is how denial works, you lie to yourself and think you are growing. In the end when the frustration of realizing you aren’t making progress meets every other problem, you are only making it worse

Stay true to self and find some people who will do it for you when you can’t.