Its Always Fleeting

Happiness is something I was never taught. How to find joy in the mundane, the world and in myself.

 Its something that is so very strange to me.The idea that I did something worth doing , worth my time and I have to feel a certain way about it. Even after all these years I still don’t know how to do that.To feel a certain butterflies in your stomach, happy feeling (fleeting really). To me being happy is like that time we were kids and we would try to catch a dragon fly. I guess maybe thats why I am high most of the time, when I am flying the dragonflies are in my hands , they are my friends , we dont have to chase each other .

One time my mum asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanted a full chicken all to myself, guess what? I got it and I remember facing the mountain before me with great confusion. All these people looking at me with expectation. So I smiled and said thank you this was exactly what I wanted. But deep down I knew that this wasnt the feeling , this couldn’t be it.

For fours years all I ever wanted was to get 12 straight As, a ladder to my bright future. There I was with my slip in hand, with my ladder. Everyone beaming at me, congratulations streaming like blood from a lacerated wrist. This time I wasnt confused , I was worried, why am I not as happy for myself as they are for me. I asked my mum if I looked happy , she said my eyes were shining. Its the greatest conflict to know that I have achieved all this , I should feel all this but I am not. So maybe it wasnt a shine after all, just a shimmer. 

WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!

I wont even start on birthdays, its strenuous for me …. because I have to find something I don’t have and give it. So I unknowingly decided to fake the smiles, fake the joy, replace the nothingness, the absence of feeling with smiles I don’t mean but have to show so that I can feel I belong. At this point you have to accept the possibility that every time I said I was happy I lied both to you and to me. I can honestly count in my hand the times that I was  truly happy. When it came naturally like bees going for nectar and pollen in a flower. 
From an early age, happiness is not something I have known how to express and feel and because I don’t  want to stick out , seem selfish and unbothered, I participate fully ; for you my family, friends and peers.Honestly I deserve an Oscar. 
To make matters worse it is in the depth of my despair that pieces like these are born.

What if I learn happiness and lose all this?

A friend of mine says that ” the grateful always get their miracles ” and I’m just tryna be  as grateful as I can be. It just comes from my head not my heart most of the time. 
This is exactly what happens when inspiration strikes you at the work place , you go for a bathroom break and never come back and alas this is what comes out. 

Be happy kids…