uThando

Just like how I don’t talk about my tupperware lunch box , I wont also tell the world about you.How Im so proud of receiving your messages in the morning  or how Im surprisingly so patient as I wait for you. The people that know me know how impatient I can be. Maybe its because every time I waited for something it almost never came. But YOU I wait for like the deciduous trees in the warm winters of sub saharan Africa. 

What I will talk about though  is how today I saw this tall man . He is tall like a gum tree and I remember every part of me wanting to fold him in half(more like saw him) then he would be my size and we would be “equal”. I have been thinking of the dark more than the light lately  , I guess thats what grief does to you. But before I blame grief I would like to take this opportunity to shun my past. I would like to ask GOD my big why?

WHY?!

Why am I always needing of a light. A light that I cannot find in myself. For the longest time I realized the love that I give myself is not enough to let me just live. So I started a “live its(life-line)” project. I stored light in my kin, in my folk , in my people. But why do they always let me drown, why dont they ever share when I need it?
And finally GOD , why him not me. I have always thought I would go first. At some point I remember distinctively feeling like I was saying good bye to the world. Seeing the sun felt like it was the last time. The wind brushing against my hair , conversations felt like they were my last and I was ready God. But why him not me. He had more to give, more to share , a lot of lives to change and I just feel like I have more pain to carry. Mine and theirs 

I dont want to live like this, to be a trash can….but hey what becomes of the world if trash cans decided to stop working?

So I will play my part be filled to the brim with people’s trauma and unwanted shit. All in hope that you will serenade me, that through it all , you will be by my side. Rubbing my back, hugging my crawled up body and loving me endless…
Oh Jesus thats my only prayer to you, that as life gets hard and the pain increases that you never ever leave…Don’t leave me alone God, your people would rather cry at my funeral than be there for me. 

Just like how I don’t talk about myself and the things I go through. I wont talk about how I am falling for you. How you make me want to be my best self. I also wont talk about that lady , the one who took away my innocence when I didn’t even know what it was. 

I will talk about Jesus’ love for you and me though. How he loves me senseless….and if he loves me then he deffos loves you too.
Never forget that.