The sinking lifeboat pt2…

There’s things in life that can’t be helped. Like hurting, like falling in love or getting upset. Then there’s other things that can be helped, like our reactions. I feel like I’m always speaking to people about the importance of controlling your emotions or at the very least not allowing your emotions to control you. Yet somehow I always end up a victim, not necessarily of circumstance but more a victim of my own emotions. Once I’m in that space I go listen to more songs that stir me up even more.

A friend of mine said something like “the same water that floats the boat is the iceburg that sunk it”
I heard him, I understood him. But my spirit didn’t acknowledge the gravity of the statement. In other words the same emotions that make you human and relateable are the very same emotions that can make you, for lack of a better term, a rotten potato. It’s always the things that build us up that break us apart. If you’ve ever talked to me you’ll know one of my super powers is that I’m an empath. Whilst it’s not necessarily a bad thing, my inability to deal, successfully, earnestly and honest to God deal with my emotions is the same as the communication skills of a year old baby. Very very limited.

So I walk around on auto pilot and ever so often I get reminded that the ship is sailing itself right before it hits an iceberg and then I’m in a frenzy trying to set up the sail and grab the steering and check my engines. And whilst most cases I avoid the iceburg the ship has so many bumps and scrapes and bruises.

I’m so honestly tired. And I know the immediate response is well get some rest and quit whining but “sleep doesn’t help when it’s the soul that’s tired.” I’ll be the first to admit I’ve allowed my emotions to batter and bruise my soul so much that even I’m shocked I’m even able to keep it together. And I’m always so tempted to say well so and so did this and it triggered me, but I never address the real issue. Why? Why did it trigger me? Why do I feel so entitled to be treated a certain way by another human? Why why why? The answer I’m realizing is the same as why I have an Instagram account. V A L I D A T I O N.

I always feel the need to be validated. And when I don’t get the validation I think I deserve then I feel this person isn’t treating me right.

Still doesn’t answer anything does it? Why do I need to be validated? It’s simple really. Humans desire to be loved heard and understood. And when one of those isn’t met there’s a disconnect. Transition to high-school for me was such a difficult time. This is the stage where I learnt to seek validation or beat you down till you gave it to me. I never fit in I was just an outcast, never felt like the other girls cared for me at all. So I became mean, I became disconnected from my emotions and I became exactly what you see. Now if you know what an empath is you already know there’s no way an empath can be any of these things. So it began the battle of the personas. Imagine a nation at war with itself.

Because I’ve been alone for most of my life the empath in me wants to be there for everyone, but because I think I figured it out half of my heart says it’s not my problem. Which is where I end up being there fully this month. And then completely gone the next. I’m not making sense am I? OK let me dumb it down for you, if you spend too much time fighting a monster you walk out a mercenary not a hero. I’m not sure why I want to fight everything and everyone all the time. Could be ptsd from the trauma of never feeling wanted or accepted. Always having to prove I’m just as worthy as the rest of the gang. Or or it could simply be that I have got narcissistic tendencies.

Either way, this is what happens when your emotions control you.

P.S. Just let go of that emotion eating at you.

Like for real just let it go