untitled and Mastered

To the girl I was jealous of…

Jealousy is such a funny emotion. Looking back on it now, I am able to see how dead wrong I was. As we grow, we are supposed to develop an understanding of how some things just don’t work out the way we wish they would. Sometimes it has a lot to do with our person in the spirit being too immature to grasp or behold certain things but sometimes it is just because certain things are not meant for us. In my mind, I have had this conversation with you a million different times, but arguably this is the most important one. This version of me is enlightened and would like to offer an apology for the things you had no idea I did to you.

When ones spirit is injured by rejection, it often finds itself fixating on proving its worth, In my quest to prove my worth, I resented you unjustly because I felt and was made to feel that you were in some aspect or sense superior to me. That triggered resentment towards a young woman I didn’t even know. Because of my resentment, I became very passively aggressive toward you. It was all in the subtle little things I would do or say that I knew would cause you to act crazy. 

The people around us were fooled by my grace and could not see the malicious intent lurking just behind it. I apologize sincerely for fueling insecurities he caused under the illusion that I was proving I was more worthy. Perhaps when we sit down together one day, we will have an open discussion. Share how your misfortunes brought me joy and how your heartache tasted like honey on my lips. I’m sorry that I allowed myself to be a pawn in his little game of chess and terrorize you across the board. The child in me did not know any better. 

I heard from someone that you were jealous of me too. You were jealous of how unphased I was by my pain. You thought it brave and unusual that I could carry on like nothing ever happened. I heard from someone that you were jealous of the way he loved me and how his eyes seemed to dance whenever he looked at me. You allowed yourself to be fooled and swallowed into a game neither of us were meant to win.

Funny enough, I was unravelling along with you. Yet you never saw it, I’m sure you heard the rumors but I seemed too happy for them to be true. I know i did, but you seemed too happy for it to be true. I grew good at lying because what else could I do? I never mastered the ability to acknowledge that some things weren’t meant for me. And after all, we paid a heavy price for his vicious, cruel game.

I read his letters to you, I actually accidentally came upon one and I kept it. I kept it because he used to talk about me like that too; I couldn’t bear the thought of him feeling that way about you. In some parts of my mind, I told myself it’s me he’s talking about, but I’m ready now to tell the truth to myself. It was you he wrote this for and so I take this time to apologize and return this back to its rightful owner

Sincerely 

The girl you were jealous of

Hey,

It all really started with Finneas , you know, Billie’s brother , like they win Grammys, oscars, etc together. Anyway, he has a song that asks if I am in her head as much as she is on my mind ? I saw her and decided right then and there. Maybe if someone were holding a gun to my head, I would choose her because that’s the only decision to make But when I listen to Bob Marley’s “is this love?”… I’m thinking about you deeply.
I’m thinking about how the world would be a significant amount happier if everybody met you, but I don’t like to share, so it’s just me and the people we can’t respectfully hide things from. I’m thinking about you asking our kids how school was, and them answering vaguely until you say, ”But how did that make you feel?” Then they would proceed to tell you about the senior who always asks him to shine his shoes or the lady by the kiosk who is so nice. I’m thinking about how you prefer cold coffee to the usual.
But this is about me, I should have shouted that . I don’t know how to process how I am feeling. Let me give you some background… in math, you would call this an aside… I have always felt secure in my manhood, or masculinity, rather. Every other person that I met knew that I was in control. I always felt like I had all the cards in my hand. If I were a formula 1 character , you would probably call me Sainz. I had a lot of confidence but not here, not now. mind games… It’s like I’m fighting a losing battle, which is me winning her at the end. I felt like I was holding on to a kilogram of air with every delay, which is nothing but futile. In any case, before I stray, which I already have, I had never been concerned that my woman was meeting other people, smiling at them, or engaging in conversation with them when I wasn’t there. She seems incredibly sincere; therefore, I truly, really do trust her. I mean, she smiles with her whole body; she is the life of my party, and my party is a great party except on some days when it really, really sucks. Are we capable of trust? But when I think about how amazing she is, I get overwhelmed. It really, really blogs my mind. How I don’t want her to be around everyone else; how I wish for her to live around me, only me, and still call it love. Is it love? Is it really? Show me the line

That’s when I learned that you can be jealous of someone while trusting them with your life. A jealous love, my blood boils. I don’t want to see her with other people; she said I was her world. To be frank, she is my world in a universe of consciousness. I’m very protective of the people I love, not things. Now the letter:

What is it about you that makes you YOU?

I bet its your infectious smile, your hey, I’m listening to you look or maybe the way you MAKE ME FEEL!!Or maybe its your warm hugs and your ability to be so beautiful and smart. My smarty pants. (awkward laugh) It’s probably because you have a discerning heart. Oh how you immerse yourself into what you want to do. I like how you make decisions and how you are unfazed when troubles come. You’re so calm whilst I’m like freaking out. I can do this life thing, especially with you by my side. I feel like If I’m with you, I have a better chance of going to heaven. Nyangwe usina nhumbu chingotizira. Zvemba zvonetsa but todzidzira 🎶 I know that it would be way, way better with you by my side.

So I work every day to better myself so that every day you get the best version of me. I want to provide for you and all that stuff. Take us to the Bahamas, then to Santorini, Greece. That’s the dream; baby, you are the dream. With mini us’s to make the picture perfect. I know it’s going to be rocky, but I want to try. I want to try everything for us. I want to fight. I want to rip someone’s throat out in your defense. Okay, I got carried away. My bad, but really, on a serious note. Someone can die (haha). I got you right there twice. Alright! Without dwelling, I think its probably your beautiful eyes. Your zeal for the Lord. Your love for Jesus Christ, fascinates me. I know that with you, I’m always found. Amen